“Rude Conversation” reappears with image and audio

But we only just met

Conversing with strangers at banquets
Or drinks parties what do you say
To keep things polite and avoid a big fight
With blows and torn clothes and affray
Don’t start with the pope that’s a slippery slope
Or a war or your horrible day
They’ll only throw canapés that isn’t right
Hit them over the head with the tray
If you’re faced with a pessimist just a light slap
Stops them moaning the world’s at the dogs
You might let a lot of wine land in their lap
When they say it’s all desert and bogs
You can try to do weather just keeping it light
But there’s only one topic for some
They’ll agree that the sun has returned from the night
But insist that it shines from their bum
So tell me of something you really enjoyed
Have you come far and where have you been?
You can hide what you think and you won’t get annoyed
If you trained on a course with the Queen







 

Moving House

 I’m clearing all the clutter out
And here’s my favourite bin
It’s straw a basket-woven thing
To put small rubbish in
These tiny empty bottles
And this plastic fountain pen
Are going in my little bin
And coming out again
A Christmas card addressed and sealed
And never sent but then
They’ll still be there next year and so
I’ll take that out again
A comb with several working teeth
There must be 8 or 10
It fits in this old pencil-case
I’ll take them out again
Unopened tubes of eyelash glue
From way back don’t know when
A lonely pair of curtain rings
All coming out again
This pile of useful bits of stuff
Will fill a useful tin
I need to act decisively
And throw away the bin
 Retrieved from under rubbish bags
Re-shaped with cabbage on it
The frazzled basket bin is back
To serve as Easter bonnet

Non-verbals

Sitting at the breakfast bar
One on either side
I look left and he looks right
At the programme guide
For once I stop him switching
Oh fantastic outer space
OK no other comment
Big dejected face
Lookleft gets excited now
But Lookright’s eyes are glazed
He drums his right-hand fingertips
While I’m engrossed amazed
His face starts getting twisted
With his eyes and mouth askew
Another yawn resisted
And he’s wiping tears from view
Here comes the explanation look
Deep space is really deep
Lookdown is bending forwards
He’s actually asleep
Can you make it to the sofa
Watch the big TV instead
Catch up with the basketball
Before you bash your head

Who’s There?

Deep space is very serious
Research is being done
But up to now no studies have discovered any fun
Experimental data show
A nothing on a graph
No pan-galactic sonic mission ever heard a laugh
The comics must be further off
What planet would they be on
They might be taking time to send a joke they all agree on
It takes a hundred years to hear
From such a distant void
Knock knock would make a lot of astrophysicists annoyed

The Devil Wrote the Diet Books

The devil wrote the diet books
So pudding is a sin
You lose your heart to a big jam tart
He’s chalking up a win

Your shoulder holds a tiny fiend
His trident holds some chips
He buys his souls with sausage rolls
Saliva wets your lips

It’s better not to roast in hell
But frying makes you fatter
Perhaps we’ll bake – have chocolate cake
It isn’t going to matter

You gorged your way to Judgement Day
He won you fair and square
It all began with the frying pan
And into the flames from there

Find sports to play – kick fat away
Foul demons, flee chastised!
I scored a goal with a profiterole
But mine weren’t exorcised

They couldn’t give a fiendish fart
They play a different game
Do health and virtue hell can’t hurt you
Salad what a shame

That cloud of low-fat cottage cheese
My angel came from there
In a heavenly dress of watercress
A lettuce for her hair

Her halo a dish of the whitest fish
Her skin of peach no cream
I ate a plate of fudge and satan
Made my angel scream

That’s her battle song she saved me
And advised me tell the judge
Well My Lord to gain this weight I ate
More fruit and veg than fudge

She said cherubim are never slim
They grow to power the choir
We are guardian sopranos
Ever mightier and higher

To be sturdy is a glorious thing
The devil’s such a liar
We shout rejoice to drown his voice
And taunts like pants on fire

But he’s still the Prince of Darkness
Mortals can’t be too sarcastic
Just don’t let his evil writing
Make your eating habits drastic
Eat your greens and come to Heaven
Where the clothes are all elastic
And the Lord’s eternal lighting system
Makes you look fantastic

 

 

The Space Bus

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astronomoo

Part 1. Crisis

The aliens came on a bus
No airport security faffing and fuss
Their planets were turning to dust
Cold slime and hot gases and rust
Their relatives starved fried or frozen
Not really what one would have chosen
Blown up or extinct or dissolved
Well that was just how things evolved
But no-one was covered in pus
That was a big plus

Part 2. Passengers

The aliens who led on this rescue were red
And true to their colour were cross
The bus stops in space were all over the place
And they had to make Earth or be lost
Each colour and kind had its own frame of mind
Only five of each shade left alive
They were mostly unskilled and about to be killed
And only the red ones could drive
Though their blood vessels threatened to burst
As they grumbled and cursed
The green ones were sick, the dull greys a bit thick
Hot pink ones just far too embarrassed
Pale purples were weedy dark blues sad and needy
Reds shoved them all on feeling harassed
Bright orange ones sang to cheer up the whole gang
Ignoring their various behaviours
And those waiting elsewhere waved strange limbs in thin air
To flag down their furious saviours
Who complained could you please try and phone us
That would be a bonus
There were edible sorts who’d been hunted for sport
Being prey it took ages to find them
Shape and colour would change through a fabulous range
So they blended with what was behind them
Then white ones like shrouds who’d escaped nuclear clouds
And sweet jelly-like trembling young yellows
Giants burnt nearly black came in search of a snack
Having eaten their barbecued fellows
The reds said climb on and we’ll risk it
Just stick with a biscuit
The last desperate place was our nearest in space
And in skin tones from chocolate to custard
So they fought and it left them destroyed and bereft
But then friendliness turned them all mustard
No more mutual loathing no housing no clothing
One colour and that not exciting
No more bombing or shooting or hacking or looting
But Earth still looked very inviting
There was standing room only for these
But they didn’t have knees
Or a single disease

Part 3. Arrived on Earth

The rainbow crowd first hid behind the bus
Anticipating shovelfuls of fuss
We said Come out our main concern was pus
It’s raining and we’ve so much to discuss
You’ve suffered but you’ve learned you can’t deny it                                                                 So whatever your suggestion is we’ll try it
Say we stopped our bombs and life got deadly quiet
Maybe colour could explode and be a riot?
They said absolutely let’s have fun together
Plus our skills include control of global weather
So the rescue bus out of the blue
Saved all of us too
Yes that’s me and you
If it’s true

 

The Curse of Verse

I went with enormous enthusiasm to a comedy writing course (a week with the Arvon Foundation who normally do everything but comedy) and it was indeed hilarious but mine came out as rhyming verse, only, sadly, and painting classes dictating dull colours caused a great sinking of the heart. Thus began all creativity.

 

Brain says to Pencil I’m bursting it’s time

Pencil will only do LUDICROUS RHYME

Brushes are shouting BRIGHT COLOUR no choice

Seems they join forces and THAT IS YOUR VOICE