Now don't be dismissive of daytime TV Or feel any guilt at the time you call free A face fills the screen and engages with you Or a honey-toned voice-over person will do To tell you some things and to show you some friends You don't have to stay till the episode ends You know the presenters and watched them evolve To switch them off suddenly takes some resolve It feels so unfriendly and heartless but then They're always so happy to see you again With their property pottery plants and antiques The stories complete without plots taking weeks Participants gladly delightedly wear The best of their faces and outfits and hair All styled and revised to appeal to your eyes And none of it wrecked in a fight for a prize It's warm but not meaningful nice and not deep Relaxing informative soothing and cheap
She holds her head and flagpole high Like Boadicea do or die And rides without a battle cry Away for 7 seconds Her graceful steed goes gently round An organ plays no trumpets sound I'm watching standing on the ground Waiting 7 seconds Her 2-year-old is right beside her Tiny car and eager driver All our smiles are getting wider Every 7 seconds We're more and more enthusiastic Fancy seeing you fantastic Here we come on painted plastic Every 7 seconds There's no-one out but us and staff No audience to think we're daft We wave and wave and laugh and laugh Every 7 seconds
This is a song – I’ve recorded myself singing it! but if you’re reading this in an email, you need to click here to get audio.
Me singing !! my poets’ parody of the wonderful, timeless, One Day at a Time. See my lyrics below and YouTube video which may not load but is easy to find. Favourite song, and motto.Lena Martell on Top of the Pops
Christmas with elves and verses of yore Which regular readers have read before
The Present Value of Things
THE GIVER
I used to visit every shop in town and wonder why You'd thank me for the kind of foolish thing I thought I'd buy I'd go another day and look again and wonder what You’d like about a silly gift you previously got So days went by with nothing bought and Christmas came and went No cards were posted out and there were zero presents sent The guilt was just tremendous and the shame of it intense So now I do a different thing at minimal expense
THE RECIPIENT
A poem as a Christmas present thank you very much Is better than a thermal vest and pantaloons and such I'm wearing 2 of each a fluffy onesie and a hat A cardigan a dressing gown as well on top of that The price of oil has fashioned all the latest clothing trends So these are what you tend to get from relatives and friends But look you sent an envelope my gosh whatever next And here's a quick response that I shall type you as a text Are poems cheap or priceless as an option for a gift Are people overjoyed or do they seem a little miffed Of all the things that I received I liked your thing the most Because despite the price of stamps you put it in the post
A Christmas Coronary
May God rest you merry Champagne or sweet sherry Some goat's cheese to start In a tart Goose gammon wine mustard Pies port pudding custard Then should you depart It's your heart
Winter Timetables
I see from these tables of darkness We’ve 16 long hours to get through But look it says here there are also 3 levels of twilight who knew Astronomical twilight is darkest The stars not the people are bright You wake astronomically sleepy Not ready to give up your night But next comes the Nautical twilight You’re out on the sea in a boat Still going by stars in this dimness Set sails and just keep it afloat Level 3 we are told is called Civil You reach full politeness at dawn If you meet someone chatty and sprightly Smile tightly and stifle a yawn Some fine cloudless dusk in December Just watch till the twilights are gone If people have stopped being civil They won't put their fairy lights on
I Lost My Voice
I lost my voice at Christmas And the silence was surprising The monologue was gone And there was no-one deputising No announcing resolutions Singing hymns for auld lang syne No nostalgic reminiscing Even full of gargled wine And I couldn’t ask and answer My own questions as I do So everybody else discovered They could do it too
The Aftermath
Ah season's greetings warm but fleeting Fill your glass is past So now we're peeved and can’t believe We got so fat so fast No peace on earth just massive girth From festive fun to none No sign round here of Christmas cheer Beyond a bulging bum Fear not they said be glad instead Rejoice in what you've got The certainty that recently We ate an awful lot
NaPoWriMo ?!? means the nation has to write a poem a day in April. Here's my week 1 which had 6 days.
Do I Miss the Excitement
There was always a task in the world I was in
And always another nineteen
It wasn’t a question of which you would like
Or where you would rather have been
Or if you would tackle them one at a time
They had to be juggled – yes twenty
Like great flaming torches with axes and knives
Now tossing a pancake is plenty
Rubbish in the Night
Think about that
And think about this
And think about that some more
What is the purpose
Of thinking of things
In the morning at twenty to four
Thinking of that
Reminds me of this
And leads to the other and on
And on till the nonsense
Dissolves in a dream
So by twenty to nine it has gone
Sorry if it Doesn’t Make Sense
I can’t seem to laugh
At my prose paragraph
But the rhyming verse keeps me amused
The sense will be changed
And the words rearranged
Till the reader and I are confused
Live Long and Prosper
Poetry doesn’t have to rhyme
And in doing so it takes up a huge proportion of the writer’s time
You could have sold many a successful novel
In the time it took to produce 4 perfect lines in your miserable hovel
You could have been wined and dined on a world book launch tour
Or stayed true to your dubious talents and poor
Life is too short
For poems of this sort
O for the End of NaPoWriMo
This one is a disgraceful lyric parody
from The Sound of Music
Po a pot a fine Ming pot
Po an infant’s favourite word
Po in case I wet myself
Po a place to put a turd
Na no better things to write
Mo hang on and have a go
Wri this acronym is shite
But it gets you started so
Collect your poems in a Po
Rhyme O
Be Friendly
Hello You on the edge of the gathering
Spruced up in a fetching blue hat
We’re all here enthusing and blathering
No chance of you joining the chat
These topics are desperately boring
To anyone not in the loop
I don’t want the guilt of ignoring
So let’s form a breakaway group
I’ll ask you some questions politely
And give you a turn at the bat
And you may berate me quite rightly
For treating you rudely like that
And why did we want to avoid you
And try not to look in your eye
Our attitude really annoyed you
So now we are all going to die
It’s wonderful to listen to a view that’s well expressed
Convincingly with elegance a hand upon the breast
The confidence of eloquence the thumbs inside the vest
Or waving swords of truth the shield of valour and the rest
Impeccably grammatical with clarity of thought
Yes logical and lyrical and flowing as it ought
Besides the crystal diction there are sounds that can’t be taught
Of thinking being harnessed and attention being caught
The content could be nonsense or just slightly subtly wrong
Informed by Harry Potter books or operatic song
As long as no-one tries to make the sentences too long
We’d have to say this argument is jolly blinking strong
Or rather we are minded to concur the case is clear
No need for further evidence we heard it over here
Entranced and deeply moved it isn’t done to clap and cheer
Each member of the audience just sheds a little tear
These Brexit vote debates demand we be not quite so dense
As to be swayed by legal words like heretofore and hence
We beg to ask the Speaker pray be seated on the fence
And bring the bastard benchers to the House of Common Sense
THE RHYMING TIMES 