
Les Mis



There was nobody there in departures No nobody no-one at all Except for the uniformed lady I faced at the end of the hallRead on and see picture






Hey workers don’t be sitting here like stone
All grim grey clothes and faces don’t go home
Let’s go to the next party!
Don’t mind if you’re a mess forget your meals
I’ve got the pure white fishnet tights and heels
The porcelain skin long neck exquisite lips
The ballerina shape and can-can hips
I’ll take you!
Too bad you need to do those toilet things
And sweat and cry grow excess hair and cough
You bend your elbows do the twist and sing
I’ll party till my head and legs come off
We’re stopping! See me bouncing to and fro?
Come on you workers pick me up let’s go!

O who would find me lost in town
Arrest the toast and keep it brown
Adjust the mighty woofer sound
If you
Weren’t
Here?
Who would play with tools for toys
Do burps and yawns for background noise
The reassuring sounds of boys
If you
Weren’t
Here?
Who else could cook and correspond
Have hedge surrender grass be gone
And who would call me Gillian Dawn
If you
Weren’t
Here?
O who could do the harder sums
Explain the rules of mauls and scrums
And who would get me off my bum
If you
Weren’t
Here?
Well at first we’ll be warm but we’ll all be in the sea
Your house flooded to your bare knee
Just a second to decide what to rescue as you flee
Those purple gloves
From the flood rising past your bare knee
So the third thing to take is a thermos full of tea
Plus odds and ends
Those purple gloves
And a map showing all the new sea
By the 4th year you know this is how it’s going to be
Free floating turds
Old odds and ends
Those purple gloves
Missing map never mind it’s all sea
In the 5th year your home is a giant redwood tree
Man has grown wings
Still the floating turds
But you have
Lovely purple gloves
And a view of the sparkly blue sea
In the 12th year of warming we’ll look around and see
12 Snorkels spouting
11 Mountains melting
10 Divas diving
9 Countries quaking
8 Rascals rowing
7 Fellows flying
6 Girlies gliding
Man has grown wings
Caught the falling birds
Found fish friends
Different ways to love
And to live on a boiling blue sea

Conversing with strangers at banquets
Or drinks parties what do you say
To keep things polite and avoid a big fight
With blows and torn clothes and affray
Don’t start with the pope that’s a slippery slope
Or a war or your horrible day
They’ll only throw canapés that isn’t right
Hit them over the head with the tray
If you’re faced with a pessimist just a light slap
Stops them moaning the world’s at the dogs
You might let a lot of wine land in their lap
When they say it’s all desert and bogs
You can try to do weather just keeping it light
But there’s only one topic for some
They’ll agree that the sun has returned from the night
But insist that it shines from their bum
So tell me of something you really enjoyed
Have you come far and where have you been?
You can hide what you think and you won’t get annoyed
If you trained on a course with the Queen
I’m clearing all the clutter out
And here’s my favourite bin
It’s straw a basket-woven thing
To put small rubbish in
These tiny empty bottles
And this plastic fountain pen
Are going in my little bin
And coming out again
A Christmas card addressed and sealed
And never sent but then
They’ll still be there next year and so
I’ll take that out again
A comb with several working teeth
There must be 8 or 10
It fits in this old pencil-case
I’ll take them out again
Unopened tubes of eyelash glue
From way back don’t know when
A lonely pair of curtain rings
All coming out again
This pile of useful bits of stuff
Will fill a useful tin
I need to act decisively
And throw away the bin
Retrieved from under rubbish bags
Re-shaped with cabbage on it
The frazzled basket bin is back
To serve as Easter bonnet
Sitting at the breakfast bar
One on either side
I look left and he looks right
At the programme guide
For once I stop him switching
Oh fantastic outer space
OK no other comment
Big dejected face
Lookleft gets excited now
But Lookright’s eyes are glazed
He drums his right-hand fingertips
While I’m engrossed amazed
His face starts getting twisted
With his eyes and mouth askew
Another yawn resisted
And he’s wiping tears from view
Here comes the explanation look
Deep space is really deep
Lookdown is bending forwards
He’s actually asleep
Can you make it to the sofa
Watch the big TV instead
Catch up with the basketball
Before you bash your head
Deep space is very serious
Research is being done
But up to now no studies have discovered any fun
Experimental data show
A nothing on a graph
No pan-galactic sonic mission ever heard a laugh
The comics must be further off
What planet would they be on
They might be taking time to send a joke they all agree on
It takes a hundred years to hear
From such a distant void
Knock knock would make a lot of astrophysicists annoyed
The devil wrote the diet books
So pudding is a sin
You lose your heart to a big jam tart
He’s chalking up a win
Your shoulder holds a tiny fiend
His trident holds some chips
He buys his souls with sausage rolls
Saliva wets your lips
It’s better not to roast in hell
But frying makes you fatter
Perhaps we’ll bake – have chocolate cake
It isn’t going to matter
You gorged your way to Judgement Day
He won you fair and square
It all began with the frying pan
And into the flames from there
Find sports to play – kick fat away
Foul demons, flee chastised!
I scored a goal with a profiterole
But mine weren’t exorcised
They couldn’t give a fiendish fart
They play a different game
Do health and virtue hell can’t hurt you
Salad what a shame
That cloud of low-fat cottage cheese
My angel came from there
In a heavenly dress of watercress
A lettuce for her hair
Her halo a dish of the whitest fish
Her skin of peach no cream
I ate a plate of fudge and satan
Made my angel scream
That’s her battle song she saved me
And advised me tell the judge
Well My Lord to gain this weight I ate
More fruit and veg than fudge
She said cherubim are never slim
They grow to power the choir
We are guardian sopranos
Ever mightier and higher
To be sturdy is a glorious thing
The devil’s such a liar
We shout rejoice to drown his voice
And taunts like pants on fire
But he’s still the Prince of Darkness
Mortals can’t be too sarcastic
Just don’t let his evil writing
Make your eating habits drastic
Eat your greens and come to Heaven
Where the clothes are all elastic
And the Lord’s eternal lighting system
Makes you look fantastic

Part 1. Crisis
The aliens came on a bus
No airport security faffing and fuss
Their planets were turning to dust
Cold slime and hot gases and rust
Their relatives starved fried or frozen
Not really what one would have chosen
Blown up or extinct or dissolved
Well that was just how things evolved
But no-one was covered in pus
That was a big plus
Part 2. Passengers
The aliens who led on this rescue were red
And true to their colour were cross
The bus stops in space were all over the place
And they had to make Earth or be lost
Each colour and kind had its own frame of mind
Only five of each shade left alive
They were mostly unskilled and about to be killed
And only the red ones could drive
Though their blood vessels threatened to burst
As they grumbled and cursed
The green ones were sick, the dull greys a bit thick
Hot pink ones just far too embarrassed
Pale purples were weedy dark blues sad and needy
Reds shoved them all on feeling harassed
Bright orange ones sang to cheer up the whole gang
Ignoring their various behaviours
And those waiting elsewhere waved strange limbs in thin air
To flag down their furious saviours
Who complained could you please try and phone us
That would be a bonus
There were edible sorts who’d been hunted for sport
Being prey it took ages to find them
Shape and colour would change through a fabulous range
So they blended with what was behind them
Then white ones like shrouds who’d escaped nuclear clouds
And sweet jelly-like trembling young yellows
Giants burnt nearly black came in search of a snack
Having eaten their barbecued fellows
The reds said climb on and we’ll risk it
Just stick with a biscuit
The last desperate place was our nearest in space
And in skin tones from chocolate to custard
So they fought and it left them destroyed and bereft
But then friendliness turned them all mustard
No more mutual loathing no housing no clothing
One colour and that not exciting
No more bombing or shooting or hacking or looting
But Earth still looked very inviting
There was standing room only for these
But they didn’t have knees
Or a single disease
Part 3. Arrived on Earth
The rainbow crowd first hid behind the bus
Anticipating shovelfuls of fuss
We said Come out our main concern was pus
It’s raining and we’ve so much to discuss
You’ve suffered but you’ve learned you can’t deny it So whatever your suggestion is we’ll try it
Say we stopped our bombs and life got deadly quiet
Maybe colour could explode and be a riot?
They said absolutely let’s have fun together
Plus our skills include control of global weather
So the rescue bus out of the blue
Saved all of us too
Yes that’s me and you
If it’s true
I went with enormous enthusiasm to a comedy writing course (a week with the Arvon Foundation who normally do everything but comedy) and it was indeed hilarious but mine came out as rhyming verse, only, sadly, and painting classes dictating dull colours caused a great sinking of the heart. Thus began all creativity.
Brain says to Pencil I’m bursting it’s time
Pencil will only do LUDICROUS RHYME
Brushes are shouting BRIGHT COLOUR no choice
Seems they join forces and THAT IS YOUR VOICE