Merry Christmas 2025

The Present Value of Things

THE GIVER 

I used to visit every shop in town 
and wonder why
You'd thank me for the kind of foolish thing 
I thought I'd buy
I'd go another day and look again 
and wonder what
You’d like about a silly gift 
you previously got
So days went by with nothing bought 
and Christmas came and went 
No cards were posted out 
and there were zero presents sent
The guilt was just tremendous 
and the shame of it intense
So now I do a different thing 
at minimal expense

THE RECIPIENT

A poem as a Christmas present thank you very much
Is better than a thermal vest and pantaloons and such
I'm wearing 2 of each a fluffy onesie and a hat
A cardigan a dressing gown as well on top of that
The price of oil has fashioned all the latest clothing trends
So these are what you tend to get from relatives and friends
But look you sent an envelope my gosh whatever next
And here's a quick response that I shall type you as a text
Are poems cheap or priceless as an option for a gift
Are people overjoyed or do they seem a little miffed
Of all the things that I received I liked your thing the most
Because despite the price of stamps you put it in the post

A Christmas Coronary

May God rest you merry
Champagne or sweet sherry
Some goat's cheese to start
In a tart
Goose gammon wine mustard
Pies port pudding custard
Then should you depart
It's your heart

Winter Timetables

I see from these tables of darkness
We’ve 16 long hours to get through
But look it says here there are also
3 levels of twilight who knew
Astronomical twilight is darkest
The stars not the people are bright
You wake astronomically sleepy
Not ready to give up your  night
But next comes the Nautical twilight
You’re out on the sea in a boat
Still going by stars in this dimness
Set sails and just keep it afloat
Level 3 we are told is called Civil
You reach full politeness at dawn
If you meet someone chatty and sprightly
Smile tightly and stifle a yawn
Some fine cloudless dusk in December
Just watch till the twilights are gone
If people have stopped being civil
They won't put their fairy lights on

I Lost My Voice

I lost my voice at Christmas
And the silence was surprising
The monologue was gone
And there was no-one deputising
No announcing resolutions 
Singing hymns for auld lang syne
No nostalgic reminiscing
Even full of gargled wine
And I couldn’t ask and answer
My own questions as I do
So everybody else discovered
They could do it too

The Aftermath

Ah season's greetings warm but fleeting
Fill your glass is past
So now we're peeved and can’t believe 
We got so fat so fast
No peace on earth just massive girth
From festive fun to none
No sign round here of Christmas cheer 
Beyond a bulging bum
Fear not they said be glad instead
Rejoice in what you've got
The certainty that recently
We ate an awful lot